The Crucial Need for Acceptance

Donovan Hadaway

Teaching junior high students is both an adventure and a privilege. These students amaze us with their wit and their quirky perspectives on anything and everything. Yet their hearts are still tender, open to the influences of Christian teachers. However, the sensitive nature of the junior high student is not without its dark side.

While the students are still listening to us, they are also hearing the call of the pleasures of sin for a season. A subtle progression begins to take place. The temptations of the world surround them, lure them. Some students are bold enough to tell their friends about their sinful habits. Soon enough, friendship becomes the perverted vehicle for all kinds of wickedness in the hearts of Christian young people.

As teachers, we say things like "Be a Daniel!" or "Stand alone for Christ," but it is not enough. The pull of the group is just too strong.

After we have spent years trying to protect them from tasteless entertainment, twisted values, and worldly habits, some young adolescents can suddenly bolt and pitch their tents toward Sodom. There are two primary causes for this behavior: the sinful heart and the desire to belong. When these two powerful forces work together, a new dynamic is formed.

Rarely is the sullen, silent teenager a true loner. Instead he finds other people he thinks understand him and seeks from them acceptance and self-worth. Cliques form. The dynamics of the sin nature and the need to belong increase.

Are Christian parents and teachers powerless as this dynamic takes effect? Is there a way to help the young sinner find his way? It may not be easy, but a rebellious group mentality can be countered and neutralized by recognizing some key emotional characteristics of this age group. More importantly, you can begin to address the needs of the heart through unconditional acceptance, consistent guidance, and genuine personal interest in your students.

Belonging is everything.

I often find myself reflecting on my own junior high years so that I can understand what my students are going through. Like most young adolescents, I was extremely sensitive to anything and everything, especially to adults. Teachers, parents, pastors—all of these people became visual object lessons of Christian living. The scrutiny I subjected them to was intense.

But then the tables were turned—I was now Exhibit A, no longer judge and jury, but a trembling, reluctant teacher on the witness stand. I soon learned that a junior high jury can be quite picky, with an excellent, photographic memory. Our middle school students can see hypocrisy quickly and are not bashful to let you know about it. If there is a loophole in a rule, they can find it faster than the best attorney. They also have the energy and time to question you about anything they find curious, matters adults may find trivial and unimportant.

But the flip side of the clever mind is the vulnerable, impressionable soul searching for something more serious to dwell on. Gradually they start to realize that there is a world out there, and they have to find their place in it.

A fundamental change of perspective takes place around the end of elementary school. Why this happens then, I do not know. I suspect it is God’s way of helping the young person sort out his path, to help him figure out his way and use the Word of God as a light in the midst of confusing feelings and teenage trials. I have tried to narrow it down to a few basic needs, but only one keeps coming up consistently in the Bible and through my observations.

It does not take a brilliant mind to realize that the teenagers have an intense need to feel accepted, to be part of a group. Consider God’s warning and Satan’s appeal to the youngster in Proverbs 1:10-15:

My son, if sinners entice thee, consent thou not. If they say, Come with us, let us lay wait for blood, let us lurk privily for the innocent without cause: Let us swallow them up alive as the grave; and whole, as those that go down into the pit: We shall find all precious substance, we shall fill our houses with spoil: Cast in thy lot among us; let us all have one purse: My son, walk not thou in the way with them; refrain thy foot from their path.

Notice how many times we, us, and our appear in those verses. It is more of an invitation to fellowship than to sin. When young people sense that nobody understands them or cares for them, the chance for exploitation becomes enormous. Becoming part of a group means identifying with them in every sense of the word—clothing styles, interests, and topics of discussion. It should not be surprising that many Christian young people who have a heart to serve God get caught up in the group mentality and are led to sin.

All of us have a basic need to be accepted, praised, and nourished by others. But at no time is this need more powerful than in early adolescence. We may try to sweep the signs of trouble under the rug, and say things like "not my kids," but it does not change the truth.

We are all social creatures; we desire to be around those who share the same experiences and express empathy for our particular situation. Teachers and parents have to ensure that the home and school are places of acceptance, praise, and nourishment. If these comforts are not found there, adolescents will seek for them elsewhere.

Sadly, many parents can attest to the fact that as their children grew up, they failed to anticipate their children’s continuing need for attention and interest. The home, which was once a place of security, is now a place to be avoided. From the day he is born, a child is drilled to follow the instructions of parents. We want our child to know to look both ways before he crosses the street, wash his hands, and not to talk to strangers. We want the child to understand us—our fears, aspirations, hardships, why we do the things we do. He has spent his whole life trying to understand you—now it is time for you to understand him.

The devil (or my friends?) made me do it.

Have you ever had a student tell you that the most important thing in the world to him was his friends? I have had that experience, on more than one occasion. I understand now that one of my most important ministries to my students is to show unconditional acceptance, regardless of their grades, popularity, or even their level of spirituality. To accept a student for who he is, at his own level, fulfills the key role of a shepherd. That is a necessary step in helping the student steer away from less trustworthy influences.

On the other hand, even the best shepherd cannot be everywhere at once. If you are seeking to eliminate even the possibility of a friendship gone wrong, you would have to go somewhere where there are no people—because where there are people, there are friendships. Take comfort in the fact that friends are an influence—not a ball and chain. We sin because we choose to sin, whether we are led to wickedness or strike out on our own. The heart is the seat of all wickedness (James 4:1, 8). It doesn’t matter if you are child or adult. Nobody can make you sin except you.

Many teachers are good at removing the poor influences, but fail to address the real issue. Teachers may separate a student from her ungodly friends, or parents may forbid her to associate with others. While this action modifies behavior, it cannot stop there. What really needs to happen? She needs to get her heart right with God. Teenagers can modify behavior quite nicely to suit their particular circumstance, but inside, the rebellious heart will only become harder. Friends may have influenced her, but the ultimate responsibility lies on the student, and when disciplining, that cannot be made any clearer. The most important thing—secondary to behavior change, friend choice, or reputation—is the issue of the heart. You cannot deal with a student effectively unless you are addressing his heart. You may think you are addressing the heart when you preach, pout, yell, scream, and vigorously apply the rod of correction. But you have done nothing—just made lots of noise, the kind of noise that resembles sounding brass and tinkling cymbal. So how do you get to the heart of a student?

Look for the conclusion of this article in the next issue of Teacher to Teacher.

Reprinted from Teacher to Teacher, Volume 5, Issue 3.

Used with permission from BJU Press. For permission to reproduce this article, please write BJU Press.