The Crucial Need for Acceptance, Part 2

Donovan Hadaway, B.S.

This is the second part of an article about dealing with students' need to be accepted by their peers. It is important for teachers not only to recognize key emotional characteristics in students of this age but also to identify those students who need extra help and determine to make a difference.

Stranger or friend?

When I was a child, I knew a man who was far from the Lord. He had been saved earlier in life, but was out of fellowship with God. His wife and children started going to church, and she asked the pastor to visit her husband. At first, it was very awkward. The pastor would come over in his suit and tie while the man did some farm chores. The man appreciated the pastor's stopping by, but gently ignored his attempts to get him to come to church. The pastor then had an idea. The next time the pastor came to visit, he wore work clothes instead. For several days the pastor helped dig postholes and take care of livestock. The next Sunday the man showed up in church. Soon after that, he came back to the Lord, with a broken and contrite heart. His children came to know the Lord as well, and his wife rejoiced in the goodness of God.

This pastor did not have some secret formula or color brochure to give to this man. Neither did he draw him to Christ with the promise of money or fame. He did not threaten him with bodily harm. Instead, he exhibited compassion, empathy, and most importantly, acceptance. He followed the model of our Lord. "We love Him because He first loved us."

It is up to us – the redeemed of God – to be living, breathing examples of God's love.

Too many times our students are simply strangers to us. We then try to introduce another stranger to them – Jesus Christ. If we do not show our students unconditional acceptance and seek to address the issues of the heart, we are virtually ensuring that God will remain a stranger.

Because Satan is a deceiver, he specializes in taking evil things, dressing them up with good intentions, and presenting them to the Christian as he did with Eve in the Garden of Eden. Let's face it. We can reduce the exposure and preach on the evils, but we cannot censor everything that goes into the minds of our students. The sooner we realize that, the better prepared we will be to show our young people the world as God sees it. They are going to hear snippets of rock music and foul language. They are going to hear about sexual perversion from friends. They are going to be tempted to cheat, lie, and steal. They will see the glamour of materialism in casual friends or even relatives who are living the "good life" – one seemingly without limits or rules. Even a born-again child who is given acceptance, love, and guidance is still a sinner – and will at times miserably fail his Lord. But he will not cast his lot with the godless crowd unless there is a particularly strong pull from the world. Would a young person leave an environment of unconditional acceptance and security and forsake everything to go his own way? The answer is yes; it does happen. In fact, Adam did it in the beautiful and perfect Garden of Eden.

But it is clear from the Bible that a teacher's influence is great, and God will bless our efforts to shepherd our students. To do nothing is to hand Satan the victory. Students will follow either the way of self-denial or the way of self-indulgence. Influence, prod, preach, love, pray, even drag them along if you must – but the ultimate decision is one of the heart, and that is simply out of your hands.

Teachers are guilty too.

Sometimes we communicate disinterest without meaning to. Junior high students vary widely in personalities and physical maturity. It is easy to focus on the outgoing students, the ones who greet you in the hallway and who laugh at your jokes. It is also easy to hold up the popular students as good examples while neglecting the student who simply is quiet, does his work, and does not really impress anyone. In our present educational structure, the athlete has been given the place of honor and acceptance. As a product of public schools, I can tell you without a doubt that athletics are given undisputed prominence. Though school districts deny it, the evidence is painfully clear that if you are good looking, well built, and can throw a ball, then you are accepted as worthy and can expect attention. As all other areas of development, physical education has its good and proper place, but it can easily become the standard by which students are judged.

Another way teachers unwittingly display a lack of interest is by showing the student attention only when he is bad. Carefully analyzing student behavior has become somewhat of a science, and I consider it a personal challenge to find out why students misbehave in class. Almost every time, it is to get attention. How are you going to address the problem? You can discipline the student consistently, and he will eventually wind up in the principal's office, to be sure. That will solve your problems in the classroom, but his basic problem still remains. His heart needs must be addressed – and the only way to do that is to show an interest in the student on a deep personal and spiritual level. I know parents who spend several hours with their children before and after administering discipline so that the issues of the heart can be resolved. They spend the most time not talking about the offense, but discussing prayer, Bible reading, and special problems their children may be having at school. These children live in homes where parents put a premium on the condition of the heart.

Know me and show me

I discovered the power of this principle during my first year of teaching. Ray was one of those students to whom we gave detentions, paddlings, or suspensions on almost a weekly basis. You name it; he did it. When he came to school, the other kids who craved acceptance surrounded him like bees on a flower. The moment he had an audience, he stopped work in class and absolutely would not stop talking. I was completely caught off guard and prayed that God would help me deal with him. I knew he desired approval and acceptance, and Satan had deceived him into believing that disobedience and idleness would get him all the attention he would ever need. That was the need of his heart. But how would I reach his heart? I did what many people do when they are stuck in a thorny situation – I called my father. Dad listened and said, "Well, what does Ray like to do?" I told him that he liked cars – he always had those worthless car magazines instead of his books. Then Dad said, "Talk to him about cars. Take him to a garage sometime and show him around the equipment. Ask him to look under your car hood."

I sat down with Ray the next day, and I asked him a simple question about cars. He went on and on about carburetors, pistons, pinstripes, anything about cars. He told me about his father, a man he described as a great mechanic, but whom he had not seen in a while. This boy could not have cared less about math, science, and English, but he knew cars better than anyone else did at his age. It was almost as if he were unconsciously saying to me "You want me to be interested in your stuff, then you be interested in mine." I explained to him some of the scientific principles behind the internal combustion engine and for the first time ever, he listened to me. We talked about air-fuel ratios, oil viscosity, and torque – common ground for two people who were a generation apart.

As teachers, we know that we cannot address the heart needs of all of our students. We have so many other hats to wear, and thankfully, not all of our students are as needy as Ray. But identifying those who need help the most can make a world of difference.

Although he is not a teacher, my father's advice to me that night was the most important tool I have ever used in or out of the classroom. I can only say he probably learned it many years ago when a pastor drove up in some old work clothes and started digging postholes alongside him.

Reprinted from Teacher to Teacher, Volume 5, Issue 4.

Used with permission from BJU Press. For permission to reproduce this article, please write BJU Press.