The Crucial Need of Acceptance

Donovan Hadaway, B.S.

Teaching junior high students is without question the most interesting thing I have ever had the privilege of doing. I am amazed on a daily basis by their wit and quirky perspectives on anything and everything. The junior high years are fertile times for the Christian educator—the tender heart of a child still lives on. But the sensitive nature of junior high years is not without a dark side. Their eyes are sensitive too—opened wide to see the pleasures of sin for a season. In the sinful hearts of man, a natural progression begins to take place. Some students are bold enough tell their friends about their sinful habits. Soon enough, friendship becomes the perverted vehicle for all kinds of wickedness in the hearts of Christian young people. As teachers, we stand back and want to say things like "Be a Daniel!" or "Stand alone for Christ," but it is not enough. The pull of the group is just too strong.

After we have spent years trying to protect them from tasteless entertainment, twisted values, and worldly habits, some young adolescents can suddenly bolt and pitch their tents toward Sodom. There are two primary causes for this behavior: the sinful heart and the desire to belong. When these two powerful forces work together, a new dynamic is formed. Rarely is the sullen, silent teenager a true loner. Instead, he finds acceptance and self-worth among the people and things he thinks will understand him—what we would call the "group" or the "clique." Are Christian parents and teachers powerless as this dynamic takes effect? Is there a way to help the young sinner find his way? It may not be easy, but a rebellious group mentality can be countered and neutralized by recognizing some key emotional characteristics of this age group. More importantly, you can begin to address the needs of the heart through unconditional acceptance, consistent guidance, and genuine personal interest in your students.

Belonging is an important issue.

I often find myself reflecting on my own junior high years so I can understand what my students are going through. Like most young adolescents, I was extremely sensitive to anything and everything, especially to adults. Teachers, parents, pastors—all of these people became visual object lessons of Christian living. The scrutiny I subjected them to was intense. But then the tables were turned—I was now Exhibit A, no longer judge and jury, but a trembling, reluctant teacher on the witness stand. I soon learned that a junior high jury can be quite picky, with an excellent, photographic memory. Our middle school students can see hypocrisy quickly and are not bashful to let you know about it. If there is a loophole in a rule, they can find it faster than the best attorney can. They also have the energy and time to question you about anything they find curious, matters adults may find trivial and unimportant. But the flip side of the clever mind is the vulnerable, impressionable soul searching for something more serious to dwell on. Gradually they start to realize that there is a world out there and they have to find their place in it.

Sometime around the end of elementary school, a fundamental change in perspective takes place. Why this happens, I do not know. I suspect it is God’s way of helping the young person sort out his path, to help him figure out his way and use the Word of God as a light in the midst of confusing feelings and teenage trials. I have tried to narrow it down to a few basic needs, but only one keeps coming up consistently in the Bible and through my observations. It does not take a brilliant mind to realize that the teenagers have an intense need to feel accepted, to be part of a group. Consider God’s warning and Satan’s appeal to the youngster in Proverbs 1:10-15:

My son, if sinners entice thee, consent thou not. If they say, Come with us, let us lay wait for blood, let us lurk privily for the innocent without cause: Let us swallow them up alive as the grave; and whole, as those that go down into the pit: We shall find all precious substance, we shall fill our houses with spoil: Cast in thy lot among us; let us all have one purse: My son, walk not thou in the way with them; refrain thy foot from their path.

Notice how many times we, us, and our appear in those verses. It is more of an invitation to fellowship than to sin. When young people sense that nobody understands them or cares for them, the chance for exploitation becomes enormous. Becoming part of a group means identifying with them in every sense of the word—clothing styles, interests, and topics of discussion. It should not be surprising that many Christian young people who have a heart to serve God get caught up in the group mentality and are led to sin.

All of us have a basic need to be accepted, praised, and nourished by another and at no time is this need more powerful than in the early stage of adolescence. We may try to sweep it under the rug and say things like "not my kid," but it does not change the truth of the statement. It is simply the way God made us. We are social creatures and those needs cannot be ignored. We desire to be around those who share the same experiences and express empathy for our particular situation. Teachers and parents have to ensure that the home and school are places of acceptance, praise, and nourishment. If they are not found there, adolescents will seek for them elsewhere. Sadly, many parents can attest to the fact that as their children grew up, they failed to anticipate their children’s continuing need for attention and interest. The home, which was once a place of security, is now a place to be avoided, because the family members don’t really care about one another. From the day he is born, a child is drilled to follow the instructions of parents. We want our child to know to look both ways before he crosses the street, wash his hands, and not to talk to strangers. We want the child to understand us—our fears, aspirations, hardships, why we do the things we do. He has spent his whole life trying to understand you—now it is time for you to understand him.

The devil (or was it my friends?) made me do it.

Have you ever had a student tell you that the most important thing in the world to him was his friends? I have had that experience, on more than one occasion. I understand now that one of my most important ministries to my students is to show unconditional acceptance, regardless of their grades, popularity, or even their level of spirituality. To accept a student for who he is, at his own level, fulfills the key role of a shepherd—not just another sheep, but a true guide. That is a necessary step in helping the student steer away from less trustworthy influences.

On the other hand, even the best shepherd cannot be everywhere at once. If you are seeking to eliminate even the possibility of a friendship gone wrong, you would have to go somewhere where there are no people—because where there are people, there are friendships. Take comfort in the fact that friends are an influence—not a ball and chain. We sin because we choose to sin, whether we are led to wickedness or strike out on our own. The heart is the seat of all wickedness (James 4: 1,8). It doesn’t matter if you are child or adult. Nobody can make you sin except you.

Many teachers are good at removing the poor influences, but fail to address the real issue. Teachers may separate a student from her ungodly friends, or parents may forbid her to associate with others. While this action modifies behavior, it cannot stop there. What really needs to happen? She needs to get her heart right with God. Teenagers can modify behavior quite nicely to suit their particular circumstance, but inside, the rebellious heart will only become harder. Friends may have influenced her, but the ultimate responsibility lies on the student, and when disciplining, that cannot be made any clearer. The most important thing—secondary to behavior change, friend choice, or reputation—is the issue of the heart. You cannot deal with a student effectively unless you are addressing his heart. You may think you are addressing the heart when you preach, pout, yell, scream, and vigorously apply the rod of correction. But you have done nothing—just make lots of noise, the kind of noise that resembles sounding brass and tinkling cymbal. So how do you get to the heart of a student?

Stranger or friend?

When I was a child, I knew a man who was far from the Lord. He had been saved earlier in life, but was out of fellowship with God. His wife and children started going to church and she asked the pastor to visit her husband. The pastor met him and began talking to him about the things of the Lord. At first, it was very awkward. The pastor would come over in his suit and tie while the man did some farm chores. The man appreciated the pastor’s stopping by, but gently ignored his attempts to get him to come to church. The pastor realized that he would never reach this man. Just as he was about to give up hope, he had an idea. The next time the pastor came to visit, he shed the tie and put on work clothes instead. For several days the pastor helped him dig postholes and take care of his livestock. The next Sunday this man showed up in church. Soon after that, he came back to the Lord, with a broken and contrite heart. His children came to know the Lord as well and his wife rejoiced in the goodness of God. This pastor did not have some secret formula or color brochure to give to this man. Neither did he draw him to Christ with the promise of money or fame. He did not threaten him with bodily harm. Instead he exhibited compassion, empathy, and most importantly, acceptance. He followed the model of our Lord—"We love Him because He first loved us." Our hearts are very well protected and we shut those out who have only a casual interest in us, but we open our hearts to those who are truly interested in us and who accept us—whatever our flaws.

God took the initiative by sending His Son to die for our sins, but it is up to us—the redeemed of God—to reach the hearts of others. Too many times our students are simply strangers to us. We then try to introduce another stranger to them—Jesus Christ. If you don’t show your students unconditional acceptance and seek to address the issues of the heart, you are virtually ensuring that God will remain the stranger.

Because Satan is a deceiver, he specializes in taking evil things, dressing them up with good intentions, and presenting them to the Christian as he did with Eve in the Garden of Eden. Let’s face it. We can reduce the exposure and preach on the evils, but we cannot censor everything that goes into minds of our students. The sooner we realize that fact, the better prepared we will be to show our young people the world as God sees it. They are going to hear snippets of rock music and foul language. They are going to hear about sexuality from friends. They are going to be tempted to cheat, lie, and steal. They will see the glamour of materialism in casual friends or even relatives who are living the "good life"—one without limits or rules. Even a child who is given the acceptance, love, and guidance is still a sinner—and will at times miserably fail his Lord. They will fall and they will make mistakes, but they will not cast their lot with the godless crowd unless there is a particularly strong pull from the world. Would a young person leave an environment of unconditional acceptance and security and forsake everything to go his own way? The answer is yes, it does happen. In fact, Adam did it in the beautiful and perfect Garden of Eden and we do it today when you and I sin and grieve the heart of the Lord who loves us. But it is clear from the Bible that our influence is great and God will bless our efforts to shepherd our students. To do nothing is to hand Satan the victory. They will end up following the way of self-denial or the way of self-indulgence to sin. Influence, prod, preach, love, pray, even drag them along if you must—but the ultimate decision is one of the heart and that is simply out of your hands.

Teachers are guilty too.

Junior high students vary widely in personalities and physical maturity. It is easy to focus on the outgoing students, the ones who greet you in the hallway, who laugh at your jokes. It is also easy to hold up the popular students as good examples, while neglecting the student who simply is quiet, does his work, and doesn’t really bother anyone. In our present educational structure, the athlete has been given the place of honor and acceptance. As a product of public schools, I can tell you without a doubt that athletics are given the undisputed position of prominence. Though school districts deny it, the evidence is painfully clear that if you are good-looking, well built, and can throw a ball, then you are accepted as worthy and can expect all the attention you deserve. As all other areas of development, physical education has its good and proper place, but it can easily become the standard by which students are judged.

Another way teachers unwittingly display a lack of interest is by showing the student attention only when he is bad. Carefully analyzing student behavior has become somewhat of a science, and I consider it a personal challenge to find out why students misbehave in class. Almost every time, it is done out of a desire to get attention. How are you going to address the problem? You can discipline the student consistently and he will eventually wind up in the principal’s office to be sure. That will solve your problems in the classroom, but his basic problem still remains. This is an issue of the heart, so his heart needs must be addressed—and the only way to do that is to show an interest in the student on a deep personal and spiritual level. I know parents who spend several hours with their children before and after administering discipline so that the issues of the heart can be resolved. They spend most the time not talking about the offense, but discussing prayer, Bible reading, and special problems they may be having at school. These children live in homes where parents put a premium on the condition of the heart.

Know me and show me.

I discovered the power of this principle during my first year of teaching. Ray was one of those students that we gave detentions, paddled, or suspended on almost a weekly basis—you name it, he did it. When he came to school, the other kids who craved acceptance surrounded him like bees on a flower. The moment he had an audience, he completely stopped doing work in class, but absolutely would not stop talking. I was completely caught off guard and prayed that God would help me deal with him. I knew he desired approval and acceptance and Satan had deceived him into believing that disobedience and idleness would get him all the attention he would ever need. That was the need of his heart. But how would I reach his heart? I did not know how to do that so I did what most people do when they are stuck in a thorny situation—I called my father. Dad listened and as I told him the situation he said, "Well, what does Ray like to do?" Rolling my eyeballs, I told him that he liked cars—he always had those worthless car magazines instead of his books. Then dad said, "Talk to him about cars. Take him to a garage sometime and show him around the equipment. Ask him to look under your hood."

I sat down with Ray the next day and I asked him a simple question about cars. He went on and on about carburetors, pistons, pinstripes, anything about cars. He told me about his father, a man he described as a great mechanic, but whom he had not seen in a while. This boy could care less about math, science, and English, but he knew cars better than anyone else did at his age. It was almost as if he were unconsciously saying to me "You want me to be interested in your stuff . . . then you be interested in mine." I explained to him some of the scientific principles behind the internal combustion engine and for the first time ever, he listened to me. We talked about air-fuel ratios, oil viscosity, torque—common ground for two people who were a generation apart. Ray ended up moving away at the end of the semester, so I never got the chance to take him to a garage. But I really think that if I could have continued with him, he would have come to accept me as I accepted him. As teachers, we know that we cannot address the heart needs of all of our students. We have so many other hats to wear, and thankfully, not all of our students are as needy as Ray was. But identifying those who need it the most can mean a world of difference.

Although he is not a teacher, my father’s advice to me that night was the most important tool I have ever used in or out of the classroom. I can only say he probably learned it many years ago, when a pastor drove up in some old work clothes and started digging postholes alongside him.

Reprinted from Balance, a publication of the School of Education, Bob Jones University. Used with permission of Bob Jones University. Please write BJU Press, for permission to reproduce this article.