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  Inscriptions Showcase Archives: 2011 | 2010 | 2009 | 2008 | 2007 Showcase Archive November 2011“As I Stand Here” by Janelle BlanchetAs I stand here in your presence, your glory seeps into my very soul. Now, it’s us against the world – and we can do that. Reviewer’s Notes Thank you for sharing this uplifting poem, Janelle! Your use of the repeated phrase “As I stand here in your presence” is effective, emphasizing the closeness that the speaker feels with God. Each line expresses a new aspect of the believer’s fellowship with God. Your word choice is good, but perhaps a revision could incorporate more poetic devices. Also, I’m not sure about the choice of the word “seeps” in the first line. It alliterates nicely with the word “soul”—but does glory “seep?” Think about it. You may find a word that better encapsulates the meaning you want. Again, thanks for letting us read your poem! Keep writing! —Paige Showcase Archive September 2011“Second Chances” by Amanda ElliottTake a real good look around So what’re you doing over there, Nowhere’s safe but in His arms Let’s all witness everywhere And though the world will think we’re fools Reviewer’s Notes Amanda, thank you for sharing this encouraging poem. You have a good sense of rhyme and rhythm. Your passion for your topic shines through each verse—and that is more difficult to achieve than you might think. A few suggestions, though. I wasn’t sure what you were trying to say in the first two lines of the second verse, so you may want to rework those lines. The fourth line of the fourth verse also feels a bit awkward. Think about alternative ways to express your thoughts. Thanks for sharing this poem with us! And keep writing! Showcase Archive August 2011We cannot showcase all the writers who submit their work to Inscriptions—but there is much to admire in the work of all our young writers. So this month we’re featuring some of the best lines from four recent submissions. Enjoy! “When I entered the room it was dead quiet…. It was almost as if some sort of machine vacuumed up all of the sounds in the world and stowed them away.” “Rattle tap, Rattle tap “The day had gotten hot and crackly-dry, and the shrub was the only smudge of shade around.” “Red is the sound of leaves crackling beneath your feet, Showcase Archive July 2011“The Rat” by Megan DSouza“Come on,” I said to my Mom. Reviewer’s NotesMegan, thank you for sharing this delightful poem! Good free verse is more difficult to write than many people realize—and you seem to have a natural talent for doing it right. I have reviewed this poem more extensively than some other Showcase features, because I believe that your fellow poets can learn from your work. In free verse, the line breaks are key. Each one needs to come either at a natural stop, like the end of a sentence, or at a point where the weight of the thought pulls the reader to the next line. For instance, when you say “I led the way / to a small glass cage in the pet store,” the word “way” at the end of line 2 carries weight. Your reader wonders “Led the way where?” and is pulled right into line 3. Another example of good choice in line breaking is lines 10-11—“The man opened the cage / and scooped up the rat.” The reader wonders what is going to happen now that the cage is open. He has a reason to move on to the next line. You have created an interesting parallel in this poem. The rat looks up at the girl with an adorable expression, asking to be taken home; and the girl looks up at her mother, probably with a similar adorable expression, asking if she can adopt the rat. I’m not sure if you created this parallel intentionally, but its presence strengthens your poem and gives it shape. Line 12 is possibly the best line in the entire poem. “ ‘You taking him home?’ he asked.” It is the pivot—the turning point. The line stops, the action stops, and your reader holds his breath, waiting to know the answer. Again, a simple line, but beautifully positioned. I have just a few suggestions for improvement. Your original submission included several smiley faces and hearts at different points throughout the poem. I would recommend avoiding those in your poetry, since it distracts the reader and weakens the effect of your poem. Also, the expression “deep soulful eyes” in line 14 sounds trite. You could probably find some stronger descriptive words there. Consider a stronger title for your poem—one with more meaning. Finally, take another look at the last line—“She sighed, ‘Fine.’” Instead of a comma after the word “sighed,” you should have a period—“She sighed. ‘Fine.’” Again, thank you for participating and for sharing this piece with all of us. Keep writing! —Paige
Showcase Archive June 2011“Skiing Down Hollywood High” by Janelle BlanchetThis was it. My heart beat faster as I stared down Hollywood High, one of the toughest hills in all of Andes. Street lights glowed on either sides, and snowboarders swooshed back and forth skillfully below me. Snow flew up behind the teenagers and I was feeling more than a little intimidated. Was I being crazy to think that I could ski down an expert hill without killing myself in the process? It was only that morning that I had learned how to ski, and this hill was the fastest in the area. I nervously wrapped my gloved hands even more tightly around my ski poles as I saw hats get forced off their owner’s heads because of how fast they were traveling. I knew that I could potentially get hurt if I fell while rushing down the icy snow. But after sitting and staring at the hill for a couple moments I decided to do it. I neared the edge of the hill and pushed my skis over the deep turn. Instantly I felt myself gaining speed and losing altitude quickly. Everything flashed past me; only my skis could be distinguished above the snow. I was moving fast. Too fast. The very beginning of the hill was the steepest part, and I hadn’t caught my balance completely. My body desperately swayed to one side, but then swung even more violently to the other. I knew I was going to wipe out. A scream escaped my lips as my body forcefully collided with the packed-down snow. Both my skis went flying, and I was only aware of snow getting thrown up as I did unbelievably fast flips and somersaults down the hill; it was so steep I couldn’t stop myself. After finally halting, a few concerned people asked me if I was ok. I was perfectly fine – a little sore, but not injured. I felt color rise in my cheeks as I heard a couple of snowboarders laughing as they passed me on the chair lift. However, I had decided to ski down the hill - there was no backing out now. I struggled in vain to put my skis back on, but I was unable. The hill was so steep and icy I couldn't stand up without slipping. However, a very kind little boy helped me, and after a few minutes I was ready to ski down the rest of Hollywood High. I stood up, slightly unsteady, and glided back onto the hill. I found it difficult to maneuver my feet because I was already moving too quickly, so I fell again. Someone on the chair lift yelled something very unkind, which hurt me at first. But then I remembered that God could help me ski down Hollywood High. Clumsily limping down the rest of the hill with a ski under each arm, I prayed and asked Jesus to help me. After standing up straight and squaring my shoulders, I hitched a ride up to the top of the hill again. I leaned over the edge of Hollywood High, feeling butterflies in my stomach. Doubt began to build up in me as I pondered whether or not I wanted to chance humiliating myself again. However, I reminded myself that I could trust Jesus. I slid my skis forward and was instantly swept downward so quickly that I felt unsteady for a split second. But I caught my balance, and stood in a stable position as I flew down the hill. I knew that I was going to make it. As I neared the bottom, I held my ski poles in the air and cried out my excitement at defeating the hill. I had done it! I had skied down Hollywood High! As I swerved to a stop near the line for the chair lift, I silently thanked God and smiled. Reviewer’s NotesJanelle, your work is always a delight to read and to share. I chose this piece because it illustrates the use of sensory detail—our theme for the month. You do a wonderful job describing the sights and sounds of this experience—but I think you really excel at describing the sensations. I especially liked your second paragraph about the wipeout. I could feel the speed, the loss of control, the impact of the crash. The entire piece is beautifully written, and I can tell that you are well on your way to becoming a master of words. Engaging pieces like this have a great responsibility to make sure the message so well presented is also well thought through. For example, I'm sure you would not want to seem to say that Christians can be reckless and expect God to protect them. Writing well involves theme and style together. A good writer tries to be understood. A great writer tries to not be misunderstood. —Paige Showcase Archive May 2011“The Beauty of Years”by Rachel JeffcoatAge is like a flower Reviewer’s NotesI love this poem, Rachel. It makes me think of spring rain and fresh flowers and people I know who are aging gracefully on the outside because of their beautiful hearts. What a lovely tribute to the “one whose beauty is true!” Thank you for sharing it—and keep writing! —Paige Showcase Archive April 2011“My Best Friend”by Joanna MitchellMy sister is a precious friend to me;
Reviewer’s NotesJoanna, your poem was selected because of the deep emotion it communicates. It’s obvious that you love your sister very much, and you illustrate that love in several ways throughout the poem. You use comparison (“a sister half as great as mine”) to emphasize her awesomeness, and you rename her (“comforter, companion”) to show the different roles she plays in your life. I like the fact that you balance the ideal with the practical, following the line “I’ll never love a person more” with the line further on about doing her dishes. That section will resonate with many of your fellow writers who have had to share dishwashing chores with a sibling. You still need some practice in the area of rhythm. I would suggest reading a variety of poems, new and old, aloud to yourself. Listen to the flow of the words, study the poet’s technique, and before long you will know how to tweak your lines to produce the rhythmic effect that you want. Try to incorporate some more imagery into your poetry, too—a few descriptive details and some vivid verbs. Thanks for sharing this piece of your heart with us, Joanna! Keep writing! —Paige Showcase Archive February 2011“Spectacular” by Caleb Lopez Look at the flowers blooming It's spectacular to see Watch the sun rise high It's spectacular to hear
Reviewer’s NotesCaleb, thank you for sharing this poem with us. I really appreciated the specific examples of God’s amazing creation, like the caterpillar eating, the waves crashing, and the rain falling. I also liked the instances of alliteration (multiple words beginning with the same consonant) as in “the bellow of a bear” and the “rain dropping down.” From the way you handle the syllables and line length, I can tell that you have a good sense of rhythm; but I think you could develop it even more. Keep reading poetry and polishing your skills. I always recommend reading your work aloud—and this is even more important with poetry. Your writing has a wonderful freshness to it, Caleb! I hope to see more from you. —Paige Showcase Archive January 2011This month, Amanda Rott sent us an excerpt of a historical fiction novel she is working on. It's about a young Scot who gets caught up in the American Revolution. We are including part of it here on the Showcase. Enjoy! “Speed bonnie boat like a bird on the wing. Brandon Wallace walked leisurely back to his family’s cabin in the mountains of North Carolina. Over one shoulder was a pair of rabbits he had shot for dinner and over the other was his musket. He paused in his song and looked up at the lovely view of the bright blue sky above the tree tops. He was so lost in thought that he was slightly startled when his singing was answered. “Loud the winds howl, He looked over to see a middle-aged man limping out of the forest to his right. “I see ye’re enjoying yer rebel songs, Brand, man.” Brandon grinned at his uncle and offered him his shoulder to lean on. “Aye, Uncle James, that I am.” “Ye’re a lad after my own heart, Brandon,” his uncle said to him. “A true Wallace, unlike that brother of mine, if ye dinna mind me saying so.” Brandon shook his head, still smiling. “Nae, Uncle, it’s all right. My father can be a bit stubborn at times.” James smiled at him, pushing his graying brown hair out of his face. “Aye, well, let’s just hope yer ma will make us a fine rabbit stew for dinner tonight, eh?” Brandon laughed and heaved his musket into a more comfortable position. “That would be bonnie, sure enough.” Brandon thought back to their home in Scotland as he walked through the door to their small cottage. It looked much like the one he had grown up in, though was just a bit bigger since his uncle James and aunt Catriona were living with them now. Though them living there wasn't the best of things, because Brandon’s father fought with his brother all too often for their differences in opinion. That was to be seen again that night when they sat down to dinner. Brandon sat beside his uncle, across the table from his brother Donnie, older then him by two years. Seeing Donnie was almost like looking into a mirror for Brandon. He had the same hazel eyes and brown wavy hair. The only difference was that his hair was longer and pulled back with a ribbon, while Brandon wore his loose down to his shoulders. “We have to thank Brand for this dinner,” his mother, Mary, said with a smile as she came over to the table with Brandon’s sister and aunt behind her, carrying steaming bowls of rabbit stew. “He caught the rabbits for us.” “A nice change,” Donnie said and gave Brandon a quick grin before he fell to eating the stew. Brandon’s father, Robert, came into the room, scowling as usual. He took his seat at the head of the table and took the bowl his wife offered him. “What is wrong, dear?” she asked him as she took her seat as well. Robert sighed. “It’s just that I was talking to a man this afternoon and he says it seems like the Americans are going to revolt against England before too long. With all these confounded taxes they’re putting on things. I dinna see why they canna just pay their taxes and hauld their wheesht aboot it.” “They came over here because they wanted freedom,” James said, taking a bite of the stew and looking out the side of his eyes at his brother. “As a Scotsman, Robert, I would hope ye would understand that.” Brandon knew he often did this to test his brother’s loyalty. Robert looked up at the other man with a glare and raised his spoon at him in warning. “James, things aren’t the way they were back in Scotland. It’s not like the English can just march up north and take care of sniveling protests. If they come over here it will mean a full-scale war.” Reviewer’s NotesAmanda, thank you for sharing this first section of your novel with us! You have a lot of good things going on here. Your opening lines capture your readers interest immediately—he wants to find out who is singing and why. You also include a lot of fascinating cultural flavor. The brisk pace of this first section and the hints of coming conflict let the reader know that this will be an action-packed tale. I do have a couple of suggestions for you. Historical fiction is difficult to research and write, especially when you choose to include an accent in your dialogue. You want to maintain a balance between authenticity and readability. In other words, let the flavor of the accent come through while eliminating odd spellings that might distract your reader from the story. This takes practice. I would advise you to look at some books that use accents in dialogue to get some ideas. Finding out how a Scotsman of this era would have spoken and then maintaining that voice throughout your novel will certainly be a challenge. Also, be careful not to overload your reader with the back history of your characters too soon. Let it unfold gradually, and stay focused on the action. You may need to include some more details about your setting and your characters before you delve too deeply into their history. —Paige
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